Perfection? Maybe not.

I had an epiphany on Saturday. I don’t remember why or how and that is totally okay. Well, I tell myself that now, but moments ago I was struggling to remember what brought about this revelation and trying to pinpoint if it was Saturday or Sunday. Then my mind said,’What difference does it make when or how? Just write the damned article!’  That was the revelation at work.

For most of my life I have been a perfectionist.  Please do not take this to mean that I have done everything perfectly and that I achieved perfection on a regular basis. As a matter of fact no one, that’s right, NO ONE can truly be perfect or achieve perfection. A perfectionist is someone who is never satisfied or happy with what they have achieved or the effort they have put forth to achieve it. No matter what the outside world tells them they will always feel that they could have tried harder, done more, been better.

This constant dissatisfaction drives them harder and harder. In today’s culture we look at perfectionism as a badge of honor. We want to hire perfectionists because we know their internal drive will push them to succeed. Children who push themselves to achieve higher grades, better sports performance and perfectly well rounded transcripts are lauded and given scholarships to the most prestigious universities.  We value perfectionism in all areas. Look at the insane amount of televised programming geared towards creating a more perfect life.  The perfect meal, the perfect body, the perfect soul! Take a look at the best sellers lists and note how many are on the topic of self improvement and how many are biographies of people who were relentless in their pursuit of perfection.

My epiphany?

It is all bullsh*t.

(I thought of using a different word, one that wasn’t as crass. A word that conveyed my contempt in a more perfect way, but bullsh*t is a good enough word and it works well enough so that’s what you are getting.)

Balance and perfection are mutually exclusive. 

You cannot have one when pursuing the other.

To achieve balance you must surrender perfection.

To seek perfection you must surrender balance.

It is entirely possible that this epiphany has already been written about ad nauseum, and in my previous pursuit of perfection I would have done tons of research on it before beginning to write.  Not anymore!

Okay, I admit it is probably going to take me more than one revelation to truly let go of my perfectionist self. I also admit that my epiphany didn’t come out of nowhere.

Last week at the support group I attend, we talked at great length about our feelings of worthlessness. Our beliefs that we are not truly loved for who we are.  Our deep rooted sense of being less than. We cried and railed and discussed and cried and railed some more. We pushed each other with questions seeking the root of this sickness – and sickness it is.

What we came to was a room full of people who had believed since childhood that they were bad, unlovable and worthless. Their inner child learned that to get love and attention they had to achieve.  Without achievement they were nothing. They became people pleasers and over-achievers, not out of a sense that it was good and right, but out of a fear of being unloved. Some of you reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. You too are living this nightmare.

Two days a week, for four hours each day, I sit in a room with a group of people, who like myself are in crisis. Whether due to illness, loss of employment, divorce or other life disaster, we have had to confront the reality that perfection is not possible for us.  We are no longer able to over-achieve and because of this we have snapped.

Reality has cracked like an dam and we cannot contain the flood.

For six weeks I have been listening and sharing with this group and the repeated theme is our need to find balance. It is our only salvation from drowning. Slowly and gently this concept has melted into my heart and my mind and balance has become something I crave. I have realized that if I want balance I have to let go of perfectionism.

I don’t have to be the best Operations Director in the largest market on earth to be a valuable person. People did not love me for my achievements. They loved me because I am a genuinely lovable person. Looking back I can now see that what my team appreciated most about me was my willingness to be flawed in front of them. I was real and human and I loved them. That was enough.

I am the world’s best mother, but my daughter loves me without reserve. I haven’t always been the most attentive and well behaved daughter but my mommy loves me and wouldn’t trade me for anyone or anything.

Not too long ago I believed that my husband loved me for my drive, my strength and my aspirations. Turns out he loved me because he sees a light inside of me that makes the light inside of him happy. He will love me as I drop every wine glass and dish we own. He will love me when I can no longer earn money to support us. He will love me when I can no longer walk. He will love me when I can no longer go to the bathroom without his help. He will love me simply because he loves me.

Balance is peace.

Peace feels nice.  Not great, not awesome, just nice.

I want to feel nice.

Would you like to join me?