Somewhere around the age of 12 or 13 it began to dawn on me that I saw existence far differently than most people around me. While others my age were trying to decide between Ponch or Jon I was wondering what made me alive and a rock not alive. Where did the energy that perpetually powers my body come from and where was it before it got in here? Where were we before we were born and where do we go when we die? Yeah, I was a blast at sleepovers!
It was this insatiable curiosity that led me to a lifelong interest in all things religious, spiritual, metaphysical and medical. I have been trying to decide if our body (mind in tow) is who we are, or if our soul is who we are and the body is a machine we inhabit until the soul leaves. Have you grappled with the same questions? What have you come up with? I will share my most recent thoughts, but be warned, they are a bit "out there".
I believe I am a combination of a soul/spirit/energy (I'll stick w/spirit for now) and a biological organism that join to form a system. I am basically in a host/symbiont relationship. My physical body is the host and the spirit is the symbiont and together they make me who I am. I'll admit that it is possible that my love of Star Trek has helped to foster this idea with its example of the Trill , who are a symbiont race from another planet. Seriously though, I think that this might be what separates humans from less sentient forms of life on this planet. When our spirit joins with this very complex biological organism they become one of the most magical systems in the universe. A true meld of matter and energy.
Our brains are the communication center for this union with the spirit having more interaction in the Cerebral Cortex, where the more advanced brain functions are processed, and significantly less in what is sometimes referred to as the Reptilian Brain. This Reptilian Brain is where most of our basic instincts reside, such as fight or flight and aggression. For me this helps to explain why I sometimes feel like I am two people. I am. Melissa is a spirit and a body co-located in the same space. Sometimes my Reptilian Brain will fire off some orders to my body that my Cerebral Cortex doesn't really agree with, and I feel anxiety or I do something that I would call irrational such as being afraid of spiders or drunk dialing, LOL. I'm going to blame about 80% of my chocolate eating on my little lizard buddy 
Seriously, though I am very aware when my instincts are pushing me in one direction, and my heart is telling me something else, and this theory is helping me to understand that duality.
Believing that we are more than physical has certainly helped me cope with the loss of loved ones because I know that a part of them goes on. On the other hand, the belief that the loss of their body does mean that a part of what made them "them" is gone forever, is still very painful. Perhaps I will see my Grandma or my late husband again in another realm, but will I know them? Will they know me? Will we care?
So where do the symbionts go when they leave the host? I'm not sure, but as they are energy I know they cannot be destroyed just as our bodies being matter cannot be destroyed, but they can both be transformed. I would like to believe that my spirit will retain some knowledge of its time on earth with this body. I hope it will retain the essence of all of those hugs and kisses, and the feel of my child cradled in my arms and the aroma of a fine wine. I even hope it will retain the essence of pain, if for no other reason than to keep it strong as it goes wherever is next on its journey. As much as I make fun of this body of mine, I think that it is a pretty good host. It certainly knows how to keep a symbiont from going hungry!
I find that as I ponder these thoughts I am saddened by the impermanence of it all. The system known as Melissa will only exist for 100 years at best and then will be no more. There will never be another Melissa. Even if the spirit goes on to join with another biological organism it won't be me anymore. I find that this somehow makes me cherish me more than ever, and my imperfections seem wondrous and beautiful in light of this miracle bonding they are a part of.
I suspect that over the years my ideas will continue to evolve and change, but this answer to the question of my identity is working for me at the moment, and that is all that really matters. It is inspiring me to enjoy my time as Melissa more and to search out new experiences for her. I probably will not be able to take a doggy bag of this life with me onto the next adventure so I had better eat up while I'm here.
On that eating note, the Reptilian Brain is attempting to drag the Melissa System, Cerebral Cortex and all, to the vending machine for a Milky Way. If you'll pardon a second Trek reference in one post, I suspect that resistance is futile.
