My little companion Spats the Cat
Six months ago today I began what I had hoped would be a short medical leave. Although my doctors and my family were very clear that I would never again be able to resume my previous professional activities, I held out hope. I had pushed so far beyond what my doctor had told me I could do thus far, and I am a very strong willed woman. My family needed me to keep earning that money, my team needed me to keep leading and I needed me to – what did I need me to do?
The first two months of my leave were focused on resting, filing paperwork, getting approved for Tysabri infusions and trying not to go crazy. I did well except for that last one. As time passed and I realized that my health was not improving, reality began to truly hit home. My body was not the same as it had been before my first MS attack. My life was not ever going to be what it had been. I could no longer work. I had to walk away from everything I had built in New York.
I sank into a profound depression. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to be anymore. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be this disease and I didn’t want it to define my life, but that is exactly what it was doing. I could not allow myself to rage at MS. It felt too strong, too frightening. So I swallowed my rage and let it eat away at my heart instead.
Luckily God is always with me and my family is always beside me, and together they held me close and loved me through it. I found an amazing support group at Overlook Hospital for people like myself who were in the midst of a life crisis, and I began to grieve and heal. It was the most amazing experience of my life, and I truly mean that. If it hadn’t been for finding that group, I don’t know where I would be today.
We are happy as long as we are together.
So where I am today? On the couch. It’s been a difficult week thanks to the MS Fatigue that sometimes settles upon me like a shroud, but I am learning to let it be what it is. Thanks to my time at Overlook, I have discovered Mindfulness and I have learned that no amount of anger, hurt or fear is going to change the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis.. I don’t have to like it, I don’t have to accept it – it will be there no matter what I feel. Now that I understand this, my heart has become lighter and I am able to begin moving forward.
My Reality
Anyone who has been following my blog over these six months can see that I have begun to build a new life for myself. I am no longer plagued by guilt for leaving behind my team in New York – well, not AS plagued with guilt. I listen to my body and when it tells me that it is a couch day, I hang out on the couch with my beloved kitty Spats. I exercise within my limits daily to make sure that my legs and arms will function for as long as MS will allow, and I meditate daily to make peace with reality. (There is also some science that shows that meditation can strengthen and heal brain tissue, so it’s a double good whammy.)
I have begun to tap into my creative side and I have even begun to write fiction again! I am really and truly here for my family and not a shell of a woman who used to collapse at the end of each work day. I’m actually able to be an engaged mother and wife, and I am realizing how much of my life I was missing by pushing and pushing my body to do things it should no longer try to do. In short, I am living again.
I don’t know what is around the corner for me, but do any of us really know? All we have is this moment and this breath, and that is enough.
Erma Bombeck is famous for saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” and I have made gallons of lemonade in my life. This batch of lemons was pretty damned sour, and it has taken me some time, but I think I’m making one damned refreshing lemonade for myself.
My Rock
{ 1 comment }
